Tuesday, December 21, 2004 08:10:43 PM
LEGAL NEWS
Man Goes Ahead And Sues Everyone
A man has filed a lawsuit against fast-food restaurants, network television, garlic growers, brokerage houses and steroid manufacturers amongst other organizations for being fat, stupid, poor and bald as well as for having chronic body odor and a half-inch penis.
"If it weren’t for them I’m sure I would have gotten a real job by now and wouldn’t still be a virgin," said Bob Cansado, 46, from the room he still occupies at his parents’ house.
Cansado says he eats eight Whoppers, six Big Macs, 20 boxes of chips and Oreo cookies each, 10 heads of raw garlic, several jars of pickles, and drinks 12 pints of Coke all while watching 18 hours of network television every day.
Before devoting all his waking hours to be in front of the television, Cansado used to invest what little money he earned from a convenience store job he left five years ago in Internet stocks through a now defunct online brokerage.
"This will be the most comprehensive lawsuit ever to protect those with no sense of personal responsibility. God bless America," said Sal Manila, a lawyer representing Cansado.
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