The Land Without Cats

My name is Myklust Srkt. I work as the chief public relations officer for the Ministry of Tourism in Gurgruc, the capital city of Aldovia — which many of you in America have probably studied about in your elementary and secondary schools as “the land without cats.”

This characterization of our people into a stereotypical soundbyte is, in my view, extremely unfair. There are more sides to Aldovia than what is depicted in a typical western education, ie, as a “no cat zone.” For example, we are a country which is proud of its cuisine, most notably our Aldovian turnip stews, our Aldovian turnip casseroles and our famous Aldovian turnip pie (tarte aux navets a la Aldovienne). Aldovia is able to produce such a bountiful crop of turnips each year because we farm them on land which in other countries would be reserved for cat parks, cat grazing and various and sundry other cat-related activities and amusements.

I believe that it is incumbent upon me in my position as the principle publicist for Aldovia to state categorically that we are not a cat-hating nation. In fact, we have diplomatic missions in many countries where cats reside and are admired. Though, as these embassies and consulates are considered the territory of the Republic of Aldovia, cats are not allowed on the property.

The Aldovian language is to most non-native speakers a linguistic enigma, for it bears no resemblance to any other known dialect. Every word was made up on the spot in less than three hours by the great Aldovian polymath Kledmik on June 3, 1132. Unlike the English language in which words are derived from Latin, Greek, French and many other tongues, the Aldovian vocabulary has no roots. Hence, there is no word for cat.

Living in a land that has no common domesticated felines (and no word for the species) has its advantages and disadvantages. On the plus side, the average Aldovian has seen 32,000 fewer cat commercials by the time he or she graduates from high school than the average American. On the downside, having no word for cat leaves 32,000 fewer idioms that an average Aldovian speaker has at his or her disposal.

Needless to say, because of the paucity of cats in Aldovia we are one of the most productive countries on the planet. Aldovian workers spend their entire working lives free from the distractions of online cat videos.

I don’t mean to paint a picture that a society without cats is idyllic. Just because our country is cat-free does not mean we are without our social problems. Late last month, police searching a home in the village of Smkr, about 57 miles east of the capital, found a woman living with 107 marmots.

Still, putting aside my job as Aldovia’s top marketer for a moment, I urge you, in my capacity as a private citizen, to come visit my country. Here you will find none of the cat-related hassles that can mar an otherwise splendid vacation, such as being bothered by aggressive pan-handling cats with preternaturally keen abilities to pick out tourists, trying to book a table at a top restaurant only to find a group of cats has beaten you to it, being seated behind a whining cat on your flight to or from Aldovia, or having cats cut before you in line as you visit one of our world-renowned museums – where of course if you are looking for exhibits about cats you will be very disappointed.
Throughout the centuries, artists have found inspiration and relished their experiences in Aldovia. In a tongue-and-cheek note to his good friend Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron lauded the fineness of Aldovian turnip wine, “I would wish that Thee could be here with me, quaffing a vintage of which the cats cannot nip.”

In a little known essay entitled “Journey to Aldovia”, the great American writer Mark Twain remarked, “The cafes and promenades of Gurgruc are resplendent with the sounds of life – though none of these sounds seem to emanate from cats.”

Ernest Hemingway, though a renowned cat lover, was a frequent visitor to Aldovia. He once said of the country in a letter he penned to Gertrude Stein, “I find here the solace I need to write – free of the constant wailing of cats.”

There are many treasures and pleasant surprises awaiting you on your journey to Aldovia – too many to reveal on this occasion. Besides, as we say here, “I wouldn’t want to let the hedgehog out of the bag.”