Is Tiger Woods a Sports Cheat Too?

I wanted to write a column with this title over the weekend, but at the time it just seemed too sensational, too outlandish – even for this website. Don’t forget that up until this weekend, everyone was counting Tiger Woods’ mistresses. Nobody was questioning his abilities on the golf course (at least not out loud). Now, with a New York Times report that Anthony Galea a doctor who treated Woods, is under investigation for supplying performance-enhancing drugs to athletes, it feels like it is being asked a little late. But I am not the only one who feels this way. It turns out that the thought had crossed the mind of Los Angeles Times sportswriter Bill Plaschke two years ago.

Two years ago, there were some snickers – including snickers from this writer – over comments by golfing legend Gary Player regarding performance enhancing drugs on the PGA Tour. After all, a jibe in one commercial that stars Tiger Woods says that golf is not a “real sport”. But nevertheless, the unfortunately named Dick Pound, the former president of the World Anti-Doping Agency, said a golfer could very well use and abuse certain substances to calm nerves around the greens and lengthen drives down the fairway.

Just two weeks before Tiger’s crash, one that happened while he was allegedly on prescription drugs, golfer Doug Barron was in court to block a one-year suspension after falling afoul of the PGA Tour anti-doping policy. And now, of course we have The New York Times revelations about one of Woods’ doctors.

But for me the oddest thing about this whole drip, drip, drip of the Woods saga is that he would take time off from golf over what is a personal, domestic issue – something that has nothing to do with his professional life. As painful as marital problems are, people go through them all the time and still show up for work. Often people take an extended hiatus from the job, when they really have something to hide.

Being a billionaire, Woods has the luxury of when he wants to turn up at the office. And in my view, it is more unlikely than likely that Tiger would do anything to enhance an already superior golf game. Still, Barry Bonds was an outstanding baseball player before he started taking steroids. And until three weeks ago, nobody thought Tiger would need to enhance his love life while he is married to a Swedish model.

Woman Claims Not to Have Slept with Tiger Woods

After an extensive investigation by our team of reporters with far too much time on their hands, Chortler.com has managed to find the only woman in America not to have slept with Tiger Woods.

Remarkably, Holly Washburn, an attractive, buxom 31-year-old nightclub hostess, cocktail waitress and porn star, claims never to engaged in any sexual activity with the golf star, despite meeting all of Woods’ criteria for a carnal liaison.

“Of all the bits and pieces to emerge from the Tiger saga, this is truly the most bizarre,” said Adam Federline, a fictional person we invented for the sake of this article.

“I don’t know how Woods’ reputation will sustain this blow,” Federline added, in another made-up quote.

Photo courtesy of Photos8

Tiger Woods Has a Lot of Questions to Answer

As members of the public, we have the right to know the most minute and sordid details of Tiger Woods’ private life. How dare he leave so many questions unanswered on a slow news day.

It is an outrage that information about his domestic life and possible affairs with other women has not been revealed sooner. We demand to know who Mr. Woods has been sleeping with, the times, their measurements, the lengths of the encounters, which golf clubs were used (if any).

Yet we are still in the dark about so many issues related to this case. For example, what will their dog use now that the fire hydrant is gone? Do Swedish women always keep a golf club lying around the front of the house in case of emergencies? Was this some diabolical plot to get the White House gala dinner crashers off the front pages?

We want answers, Mr. Woods. And, as an online writer living in the basement of parents’ house, I am not going to change out of my pajamas until I get some.