Jokes from THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON monologue for January 10, 2007

The president made a speech today so that’s always good. It’s always nice he makes a speech.

He unveiled a plan to send more troops to Iraq.

You know what we should do, send Trump and Rosie, let them go nuts.

The big sports news today as well, Mark McGwire was shutout of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Cause of the allegations he used steroids.

On the upside though, he was voted into the Shriveled Testicles Hall of Fame.

In regards to Dracula’s castle being for sale:

I wouldn’t buy this castle, even if I had $73 million…

Castle every 20 feet in Scotland. Castles inside other castles.

They were the Starbucks of the Dark Ages.

Jokes from THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON monologue for January 11, 2007

David Beckham is coming to LA.

He is going to play for the Galaxy Soccer Team. Which is huge news!

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “L.A. has a soccer team?”

I’m not sure about soccer in America.

Americans didn’t give a rat’s ass about the World Cup.

Maybe if it was held more often.

Cause you know, if you do something once every four years people lose interest.

It’s like a presidential election. Or sex after marriage.

David Beckham was I think the first described as “metrosexual.”

First time I heard word metrosexual, I thought it meant guys who have sex in a subway.

I spent years riding the subway, hoping.

Jokes from THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON monologue for January 12, 2007

It has been a very strange week, starting Monday with that big farty smell in NY.

Turns out it was nothing, just Trump talking out his ass.

David Beckham is coming to LA.

For the past several years, he’s been playing in Madrid, Spain.

But he wants to come to L.A. to play in a larger Spanish-speaking city.

If it really snows (in LA), they’ll have to cancel the Golden Globes.

Cause the red carpet would be get all slushy and covered in white.

Now, there usually is white powder at Hollywood events, but not outdoors. In the bathroom.

Jokes from THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON monologue for January 29, 2007

We are going to Super Bowl this weekend!

We are taking the whole show to South Florida or as some people would call it, North Cuba.

Or fun Cuba!

(In regards to last week’s encore episodes)

Anyway, I am definitely back tonight, unless it’s a repeat.

Who knows, I have got a feeling this is going to be such a great show tonight, they will just have to repeat it.

Tonight’s show, will get nominated for an Oscar. I predict. Why not? If Babel can get nominated, why not.

Try not to pay attention to news when I’m on vacation. But so much stuff happened last week.

I leave town for a week, everyone’s running for President!

Hillary’s running, Obama’s running, McCain, Little Miss Sunshine. Everybody!

John Kerry announced he won’t run. And everybody went, “Okay.”

The caffeinated donut! This is sensational!

This is the greatest invention since Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

This took years of research.

Scientists finally stopped wasting their time curing disease to get something important done.

Finally, you can be restless and overweight.

Jokes from THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON monologue for January 31, 2007

Did you hear about this rumor, that Courtney Love is gonna replace Paula Abdul on “American Idol?…”

It’s all over the internet.

I didn’t think they would be able to get someone even crazier.

Maria Bartiromo, her nickname is the “Money Honey.”

That’s her nickname right now.

If she’s not careful she’ll become “Dough Ho” or “Bank Skank” maybe.

People are always trading on the stock market. They want to get rich quick.

There is only one scheme that’s been proven to get rich quick and that is – marrying Britney Spears. There is no other way.