Angelina Jolie: I’m Cutting Back on My Male Fantasy Workload

‘m tired. I can’t count the number of films I have appeared in during the past year; I don’t know how many countries I have traveled to in the past week, or how many good causes I am currently involved in. Heck, with the imminent arrival of twins, I am having trouble tracking how many kids Brad and I have. Four? Five? Six? Beats me.

Anyway, the point is I am drained. Something has to give. Therefore, it is with great regret that I must announce to millions of men who comprise a large part of my loyal following that I have been forced to make significant cutbacks to my male fantasy workload.

Last year alone, I played a starring role in over 4 trillion male fantasies, more than half of which took place during an especially grueling week in mid-October, and almost half of those were by a certain Randall J. Wells of 212 Pine Street, Lookout Mountain, Tennessee. (Really Randall what made you think I would be game for some of those things? Dream on buddy.)

So, no more quick sessions on the computer before your wife gets home, no more slow five-finger massages in the sauna on a lonely winter night, no more threesomes with Jennifer Aniston, or foursomes with Jennifer Aniston and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (Randall, you and your dirty mind again!). I’m done, finished, retired.

Now pass me a cigarette, big boy.