Wednesday, August 08, 2007 03:03:02 AM
LETTERS
A Letter to Sarah
Dear Sarah,
It was a pleasure getting to know you the other night. And, I must say,
I am overjoyed that you have agreed to go out for dinner and a movie
with me next Saturday. Before we have our "date",
however, there are some things I would like you to know about me
ahead of our first rendezvous.
1) My little twitch: As its name implies, it is just a little thing.
No reason to get alarmed. In fact, it rarely occurs, and, when it does,
it's hardly even noticeable. (The only time it really ever happens is
when I am driving a car at high speeds down a highway.)
2) Those noises that my stomach makes: Yes, I am one of those
people who has a talkative stomach. Again, no reason to get alarmed.
In fact, you won't even realize it until the quiet part of the movie or,
should I be getting lucky, when we are making warm, passionate love with one another.
3) My tattoos. I can't emphasize this enough. My aim here is not to alarm you.
But, should we wind up sleeping together, and I must say that I really hope we
do, and I look forward to the occasion when/if it does arise, I wouldn't want you
to be surprised by the tattoos of big-breasted women I have on each of my buttocks.
Also, this should in no way suggest that my preference in women depends
merely on the size of their breasts. I am not that shallow.
Indeed, I welcome the opportunity to date a woman, like you, who is interesting,
intelligent and not so well endowed.
4) My employment situation. For the past three and a half years, I have been "between" jobs.
I only mention this because I value the opportunity to spend time with you. In
order to make this happen, however, we must confront the reality that going on the
town requires a fair amount of spending money. Thus, as the liberated, high-flying
woman you struck me as being, I am sure you will have no problem footing the bill
on this and any future occasions we go out together until I get myself resettled
in the job market.
5) My ankle bracelet. DON'T YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES THINK
THAT FOR ONE MOMENT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH ASKING ME ABOUT THE ANKLE BRACELET!!!
I HOPE I'VE MADE MYSELF CLEAR!!!
6) My urine jar. As you have probably realized by now, I
am not one to shy away from informing others about my shortcomings.
I am not ashamed of having a weak bladder. However, as a movie buff,
I don't want to let this minor handicap prevent me from enjoying a film
in its entirety, particularly when one considers the crowds that can assemble
around the washrooms of today's multiplexes.
7) My odor. Since we were in a crowded room when we first met,
it might not have been so apparent. Admittedly, I don't smell like a strawberry.
Nobody who craves raw onion, garlic and horseradish sandwiches as much as I do would,
either. Nevertheless, with a couple of pints of Old Spice spread out liberally
here and there, I believe this is one problem I am able to keep pretty much under control.
8) My mother. Yes, I know, a lot of 37-year-old guys don't take their mothers
everywhere they go with them, especially on first dates. And, though some
have insinuated that I might have inherited my aforementioned smell problem
(see # 7) from her, she is a dear, and I am positive the three of us will have
a splendid time together.
Ah, that feels better. I feel so relieved having shared all this with you.
Again I look forward to seeing you next Saturday.
Yours sincerely,
Charles
Send this page to a friend
del.icio.us
Digg it
Furl
ma.gnolia
reddit
StumbleUpon
|
