Updated daily because we have nothing better to do.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 07:46:30 PM
KIDS' SECTION
Alan Greenspan Children's Stories: Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Once upon a time in a large,
densely wooded area far removed
from the inopportune vagaries and
fluctuations of housing prices
there wandered a diminutive
infant of the feminine gender
who answered to the appellation of Goldilocks.
Situated in the midst of this verdant,
arborical locale, she observed within
the frame of her ocular reference an ample domicile.
She made use of her metacarpophalangeal
joint to alert the inhabitants within
of her presence.
When it became apparent that no
resolution to her resounding inquiry
at the portal of the abode would be
immediately forthcoming, she endeavored
to make an unsolicited entry into the habitation.
Thereupon, she observed three
round vessels used for placing
substances that can be metabolized,
into which had been poured a
repast procured from cultivated
cereal grass. Feeling that her
alimentary desires had been
insufficiently cloyed during
the extended sojourn,
Goldilocks proceeded
to make a painstaking analysis of the contents.
“This soft gelatinous
prandial good has been
cooked to the point of irrational
exuberance,” she exclaimed, after sampling the first.
“This soft gelatinous prandial
good has underperformed all
heating forecasts,” she decried, after the second.
“Whereas this soft gelatinous prandial good meets my Q1, Q2, not to mention
my year-on-year expectations,” she declared upon sampling the third.
Thenceforth sensing that the needs of her appetency
had been satisfactorily tamed, there then prevailed
an urge to suspend her
consciousness of the world
through slumber. In the main
chamber of the edifice she noticed three
structures ideally suited for repose.
“This four-legged implement designed
for the purpose of dormant pursuits is too robust,” she berated the first.
“This four-legged implement designed
for the purpose of dormant pursuits is too tepid,” she chastised the second.
“Whereas this four-legged
implement designed for the
purpose of dormant pursuits
is perfectly suited to my reclining needs,” she praised the third.
But just then the inadequately manufactured
housing good came crashing asunder
(perhaps signaling a tempestuous
road ahead for the retail sector.)
At that very moment, three omnivorous mammals made their ingress.
“Someone's been eating my soft gelatinous prandial good,” growled the Pater.
“Someone's been eating my soft gelatinous prandial good,” said the Mater.
“Someone's been eating my soft gelatinous prandial good, and
they've exhausted all short-term avenues and recourse
I have towards obtaining further supplies
according to my preliminary
prognostications going forward,”
cried the least sizeable of the
omnivorous mammals.
After subsequent investigation of their
immediate surroundings,
the three omnivorous mammals
noticed an unforeseen invasion
of their dormitory facilities,
though one that might nevertheless
prove potentially non-hazardous to their fiscal stability.
“Someone's been reposing in
my four-legged implement designed
for the purpose of dormant pursuits,” growled the Pater.
“Someone's been reposing in my four-legged implement designed
for the purpose of dormant pursuits,” said the Mater.
“Someone's been reposing in my four-legged implement designed
for the purpose of dormant pursuits and she still has the temerity
to reside further despite the possible uncertainties,
risks and volatility associated with being
in close proximity to three massive omnivorous mammals.” cried the least
sizeable of the omnivorous mammals
Whereupon Goldilocks was instantly stirred from her suspended
reprieve from consciousness,
thereby precipitating her rapid divestiture of any stakes
or holdings within the domain pertaining to the three omnivorous mammals.
Once upon a time in a large,
densely wooded area far removed
from the inopportune vagaries and
fluctuations of housing prices
there wandered a diminutive
infant of the feminine gender
who answered to the appellation of Goldilocks.
